Mirror Mysteries

 EVERYONE

today 3.31.09 is BAN THE  R-Word Day. I have a real literal love, and hate feel to that word, there’s me being agitated, frustrated, confused, small, and strong  prideful, compassionate, and a stronger protector all at  the same time. and here’s why: “if it wasn’t for those people, ignorant, small narrow-minded, argumentative and selfishness people that has to have something negative in there day - I would not be as strong as I am today, and when I regret anything about my past I regret my future!” The people that keep another person down, depressed, sad, mad, weak, and or anything a like are

SMALL

 … and if it takes the last of me, everyone know I am here for everyone! - for those who need it, want it, know there’s something not right, to scared to, do not know how to, feel lost, need a hand, need shoulder, need 

                                                                                                                                                            SOMETHING

Dont worry anymore…. I am here now. And nothing will ever stop me [I told Kristy this very thing].  From a day that was to be promise for a day in grievousness over a single. STOP! Right there. you can very much realize that word  exists, but know one will ever feel small  Not while I AM HERE and I am here specifically to help you realize never to feel that way, and I will do my best to help as much as I can. I have something for all of you…. 

All I Need

I’m dying to catch my breath
Oh why don’t I ever learn?
I’ve lost all my trust,
though I’ve surely tried to turn it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don’t tear me down
You’ve opened the door now, don’t let it close

I’m here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I’m only one step away
from turning it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

Don’t tear it down, what’s left of me
Make my heart a better place

I tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away, don’t break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don’t tear me down

Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place

Give me something I can believe
Don’t tear it down, what’s left of me
Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better place

Music: Memories - Within Temptation

Mood:  tired

I think, I’m now addicted to the Flairs on Facebook! All it took, was 2 Coffee flairs…  My creamer is gone a day ahead again. I’mproud of my work today, By the end of it around dinner I organized a in box that was under under a year old with over 300 e-mails un-organized. Took me over 2 hrs to get everything in order for tomarrow. I dont like waking wih straight coffee… yet, coffee is coffee… So, I’ll take it. Verona Starbucks Coffee. Which I believe has a smoother taste than the house blend. Yes, Starbucks are everywhere. And so am I! 

I found my very first e-mail I ever sent Kristy! Then realized how scared I really was before coming on board with her, the IMDSA, and the people, children, parents, and the real meaning of it all. It is something I’ve always cherished, yet never found it anywhere else, and it courses through my veins here. it’s called “acceptance”  I’ve never been accepted like this, or anything close to it. I feel normal, but still trapped inside that mirror that I have felt for so long. I’m looking to get rid of that. I have a few more things to do before I know I can get past me feeling like I’m trapped inside my own reflection [and Alice through the looking glass] feel. Trapped still inside with the jaberwalkie. stalking me, it feels like… 

… I know I’m ahead of it, the metaphor alone yes it in fact does scare me. That e-mail I found I sent to Kristy in September was so very cold, and something hidden inside that I have to get rid of. I’m not ready. Not yet! There’s somethings I still need to accomplish to get rid it, and be on the other side with me in front and my reflection inside rather than just the sad, and lonely entity staring out with know one looking, or fully acknowledging. The reflection it’s self. I have an image in my head, but I would need to make me a pot o coffee… DEAL! 

I want to get my own image realized, and up! It’s interesting how symbolism goes along way!

And I’m still wondering why I love this song so much. There’s no track I’ve listened to that I just dont fall straight in-love with.  From Within Temptation, It’s very much classical music with Hard Rock blast to the guitar, and drums  with symphonic atmosphere to it. Sharon Den Adel is stunning as ever, with a voice only a person who trains with a renounced, or a operatic teacher even. The band by it’s self is very talented, I wonder who write the lyrics. The only thing, I see that annoyes me is the label they now are signed to Roadrunner.

That place has corrupted so many talents it’s sick! - this band kind of has a religious base to the sound, and  direction at times. I never discuss religion with any one for my own reasons… And in history the symbol of the cross is a symbol of Faith. I do have faith. I just dont where to place it, besides my son. And I get confused. Hurt, frustrated — these are only me. I love the fact that much of my friends are religious it is extremely up-lifting; very pleasant and calming. And I am thank-full for all of my friends!!

The Cross

Nothing’s ever changed, you still turn away
You’ve washed your hands, you’ve made that all too clear
You just keep on living this lie

You refuse to see, you’re denying me
the cross I bear but you don’t seem to care
Even Judas knew he had lied

I keep wondering why
I’m still calling your name through my tears

Why have you waited to embrace me my dear?
Cold is your silence, denying what is real
I’m still wondering why
I’m still calling your name my dear

I’m sorry if you can’t stand the naked truth
All you see is how you want it to be
So you keep on living your life

Release me from this cross after all these years
Oh call my name and help me with this weight
Even though it comes far too late

I keep wondering why
I’m still calling your name through my tears

Why have you waited to embrace me my dear
Cold is your silence, denying what is real
I’m still wondering why I’m still calling your name
and I wonder, oh I wonder …

In my heart I still hope you will open the door
You can purify it all, answer my call

Why? Why?

Why have you waited to embrace me my dear?
Cold is your silence, denying what is real
I’m still wondering why I’m still calling your name
and I wonder, oh I wonder …

In my heart I still hope you will open the door
You can purify it all, answer my call

Music: Truth Beneath the Rose - Within Temptation. 

Mood: 

I love the literal fact because I’ve been so strict on myself in this diet, that when I eat my food. I always feel better after-wards. I’ve been good, and had 2 slices of bread today after a week of not having any Carbs.  I really like how I redid my diet!!

1. No sugar at all
2. Cook With Very Little Fatty foods [I dont eat out]
3. Fruits, or Vegetable with every thing I eat [stir-fry, and my baby carrots with my dinner tonight]  w/ my coffee of course [I love it, I get a lot that I consume so much coffee]I do drink water!!!
   
4. And little amounts of Carbohydrates [carbs]  [breads/noodles/ and all those alike]
   
5. Only eating chicken skinless meat, only ground turkey, and tune w/out the Mayo [MUSTARD!!]

I after, a month and half still working my last 2 loafs of bread.  I had 4 three months when I started me off of it all. And with me working out as much as I can!! I am so healthy it’s ridiculous! I got a lot done this weekend, and I’m so very happy about it. A starting to a great week, I saw my son. and we had an awesome time !! We always do, we’ve had that bond since we was born, and I will fight for it for the rest of our life. I can’t honestly see my life without it.

He know his daddy is here to love, and protect and teach him! And you know… after the fact! I want to have such fun at the conference I wanting my work to triple!! I am living the literal, and real dream of working at home — and I could not have gotten more lucky on who I am working with! I can very easy talk to Kristy she is  fun to work with!! we talk our ears off and learn from each-other and I really like working with her. Such a kind-hearted person, and one of the most information I’ve known anyone to have into one head! I want to work my hardest to have undeniable peace - with no screaming with little to none arguments getting back to where I need to be and being in complete love with someone HERE - vVv

Such as it is; I love water, and since I am a Capricorn it should be obvious. The ocean alone to me is a symbol, of endless and vast calmness, strength, the future, and a uncharted abyss I was not only afraid of, I always knew was there and left it knowing one day I’ll have to emotionally swim across it. for along time I think it looked something like this….

At reflected water only shone by the moon, ripples splashed, walls of waves crashing,  a clear point of view that wherever I went, the meridian of a deep calm cerulean gothic endless night. Always chaotic as I felt and there I was the ocean  in an endless sore to all of my pain with a solitary bright moon, with not even a single cloud to cover at-least a smudge the mood for even a half second and I felt calm, but very lost inside the scene, very bitter, very salty sea, and very cold. This was my sanctuary from bright emotion.

• I’ve been writing stories lately that would seem like revelations, and rather than my regular pieces of writing, and I can’t seem to just say my point and have it end abruptly with a period at the end. It was larger more unexplained bonds, an expression I’m afraid of, softer waves,  smoother, scenery, and a beautiful light I had never seen before. It was the sun and my eyes start to hurt. I considerably worry about my self daily, my scratches hurt, my head-aches more, I feel odd, but still my calm cerulean remains

 “what world would ronin rather be apart of”…

… “I know son! I’m here, daddy doesn’t always know what to do. you can always count on me to warm you — my air, my bear, my ronin. my strength! to open my eyes - to learn, to live,  to teach to feel warmth with love, and a light in that scenery with a sun aching to show it’s self…   Why does this hurt so much? daddy’s so used to the moon … anything for you MY SON!!! [it’s okay, daddy just hurts a little] and daddy loves you – your eyes are so blue!!”

Ronin Allen Morton

I wake up this morning, with me cutting through a bunch of my “wake up steps” And feeling alittle odd. I like my little schedules. This morning is different for some reason either good or bad. I’m realizing my part in the scheme of things.

I know I’m helping, this is something I just know.  Like being “inlove” you dont have to guess; You know It. It is missing today? A solid schedule for myself with everyone, and how I can help more. The examples I bring, Topics I bring to discussions, and the direction I need to be for everyone and myself.  Beucase I’m kind struggling in here, I love it!

Don’t get me wrong in that perspective!  I need to starting finding how I can include everything I put out, and try to teach, and help with in every day life. Rather than the typical [which I bet there are a few] “caseys great, but no person with mosaism can ever amount to a professional” my words to that is

“let me tell you something; I might not be good in numbers, I scored to not even on a placement class, for college but I have practically 20 years experience in psychology,  25 years experience with others with [what I call only]  “abilities” 3 years for teach aid. 10+ years experience in being an advocate for others, I was nearly a manager at sears, and can delegate more than your books, or teachers could ever dream about!  — Oh, and I’m far better looking than you and my son could take your wife from you in a second - this is education that only life can teach you [even those last pasts are facts] ” Casey.  Morton.

 [And I share this because I want everyone to know that I am here, and if there is something even if it’s small] I know I can do it, and help.  And I wonder even if they’ll help, and sending segments to everyone — helping them understand how serious I am ? Yes, I have something to prove - I a reason to do some good for a change. Maybe, some thoughts, every morning, and continue on with my videos. In not only a teacher/advocate side of it but as a person that was put in a box as a child and was told “you child was different” It took me years to learn how to be normal without thinking I  ever had to include my Mosasisim in any part of my daily life, now after certain points, I open up I grow up extremely [ask Kristy, ask my parents — and look at how beautiful my son is on those accounts. I only want to help.

After that very extreme entry — I felt gross. In an very weightless way, I had to get it out…. it was like cleaning pipes that had growth over 20 years worth of moss, trees, and swamps of what “nasty” is. So, I picked-up my weights, and work-out again for awhile. And made me a very healthy dinner, if you’re sad, or anything of the sort when in doubt eat right!

It’s almost sick on how high my metabolism is, it’s because I work on it, and  how healthy I eat. I really am sorry, because I did get carrioed away, I had to to get it all out. Anyways, my no carb hamburger made it all better for me in the end. I cut my breads down to the extreme a month ago, I’m still working on two and a half lofs of bread I bought myself 2 months ago. Worths of wheat bread, and barely touched my oriental roman [I eat this only when I have to, or when I feel I’ve been good enough for alittle splurging]. Carbs are good, but  I wont eat like I used to. fact:  A single package of Oriental Roman has more carbs than a single loaf of wheat bread, and just over 1 and 1/2 loafs  of Fred Meyer wheat bread equal up to a single pack of roman.

Oreintal roman is 26Grams of carbs,

Single loaf of Freddy’s wheat breat is 14g of carbs!

 After I learned about this I said … NO TO BOTH.

The first thing I gave up was easy, both diary, and sugar were almost the best thing, and easis.t I’ve never really had a sweet-tooth, and eat diary only on occasion, but have egg white carton mixes for my eggs. Cheese was my biggest love for a long time - I remember how I felt after I ate… very bloated. Sodium is the hardest… the first week of no carbs at all… I ate like a pregnant woman on speed. I had me a few chicken patties under a few tuna and mustard [yes mustard!] with onion one day for me not to crash! I had have fruits, and vegetables, and was very afraid of fatty and sugary foods every day religiously since the starting of my divorce so that part wasn’t hard at all. I just had to get  on mysellf to pass the rest on what I set a personal goal for: the extra urge for bread!!! Doesn’t really matter if breads doesn’y fully gain weight, I want to be kinda small, but very built. nd for over a year this is what I’ve been doing.

Anyways, I think I’m finally starting to get tired, and my thoughts aren’t racing as much at all…  My mother gave this to me, I love you mom.  full head, racing thoughts, anxious, and can’t sleep. Anyways, I had to reclaim my balance, so I feel better, and can sleep in peace.

Steps to me waking up

1. Realize were my music is, and turn on what ever song is in my dreams/head

2. Walk back for forth like a mindless zombie for about 5 minutes

3. With music in my ears, make coffee strong enough to at-least now the answer to mathematical problem: 9 x 7 = ?

4. While music in my ear, and coffee being brewed that could stump even the brightest valley-girl I use the toilet

5. Realize I have a computer and press power

6. Transfer the music in my ears to my intunes purchased list on my start-up scheduled task and continue on in the same vain as my ipod shuffle, retrieving my first cup ‘o’ coffee using spell check every 10seconds to let myself know I at-least know how to right click a mouse. Checking my e-mail, facebook seeing if there’s anything I need to update myself with, with my IMDSA peers, parents and lovely president Mrs Kristy Colvin.

7. Doing my first head-bang of the day because I love the music I’m listening to [you remember I’ve been listening to music don’t you? [Embarrassing only myself].

8. Dancing’ my way back to my coffee machine, I REALLY LOVE MY MUSIC RIGHT NOW .. refilling my cup for my second refill of the morn [ essence ‘o’ life ].

9. Contenplate to continue to sign on to my blog/site-website, or decide if I want food, or a cigarette — even I can’t do all of that at the same time. [working on my orange Essence of Vitamin C Cape so eventually I can]. !!GO SPEED RACER!!

10. Simply — start to write; The zombie has AWOKEN

Did you keep up! sequence to the land of the living can be detrimental if no head-banging/dance worthy music is NOT there. //I do the jig now// *** do - JIG - do - JIG - do -dah JIG *** And I put this under the simple category … AFFLICTION to my first of the day today blog. And I’ve decided to Get warm, cause  it rained last night, compose my self, find what are commonly known as shoes, and grab me a Camel 99 continuing on with my music and coffee outside. So, I’ll leave you with music that has struck a chord that only Madonna’s;  Like a Prayer! Did.

Well, I’m in Salem.. My hometown. I’m coming back in a bit today, I actualy have a lot to do. I’m coming back with  70yr old desk, that my great-grand father had/a scanner/printer, and some pictures I’m putting up.  And  Dictionary that was published in 1831 The Second Edition Of Websters Dictionary. I have some definite re-arranging to do. Ronin’s bed I hope will come back The next coming weekend. When I see him again. So, I can set it up. Right before He gets there starting this next month.

My Grand-parents are moving into a home, and pretty much every one is having at there stuff. With thier permission to have. And I get to really start my office the right way, with my great-grand-father old still intact I think is a Wooden Oak Desk. Sooner or later I’m going to get some wood polish for it, to see if I can get the little dents, and or scratches out. There’s also a grandfather clock I’ve been eyeing since I was 10yrs old practically! The apraser I think [people who are helping my grand-parents sell l lot of the stuff]… Said it was around 10.000$ and I want it. I dont want them to sell it, and eventually fix it alittle. The parts are there, I just need to get working. I’ll never forget the sound of it, waking up in the morning, or the midnight chord! Thinking about just that simple sound make me extremely happy! I want to be able to hear that sound again. And a few awesome pictures, and a picture my grandmother took of old ruins in Greece. I can’t wait to arrange all of this. And I know just how to do it all. I’ll be even happier when ronin’s bed is in my place!!! Anyways.. work-time. My phone went off and Sylvia responded to me. Yeah! My office is getting how I want it at home. And I’m just crossing my fingers for my grand-father clock. That clock is priceless to me.